B.M.W.B - dates

Hiya friends,

It's SO looonnnggg since I've blogged about my whanau (family) but I thought I'd share a little thing we've been doing over the last few months.

Each month I schedule on the calendar a 2-3 hour stretch on a Saturday or Sunday. The appointment says 'mum and dad dates'. During this time we each spend an hour one on one with each of our boys. They set the agenda and we are activity trying to use this time to connect with them on their terms.

Last time Bounce and I made the baby suits for his teacher and then when Flip and I were hanging out he made a rhubarb crumble. (We have a fabulous rhubarb patch that continues producing rhubarb despite our complete neglect of it).

When The Atlas was with them he and Bounce when to a ceramics studio where they are going to do some ceramics making together. With Flip they went and hung out at a computer shop (among other things).

It's been great to be more intentional about giving our boys time where they get to choose what we do and we give them our undivided attention. Of course, we spend a lot of time together as a family and with the boys but these times have been really life-giving to our relationships with the boys.

Good times :-)

How about you, do you have specific dates or ways of hanging out with your littles?

For other BMWB posts (from ages ago!) 

Becoming the Mama I want to be is about taking time to enjoy the journey of parenting, to honour it's value and to hopefully inspire and encourage any mama. 

Simple. Achievable. Intentional: becoming the mama I want to be

love you more than the smell of rhubarb crumble xxx

Yes ... When - words that can change family dynamics

Parenting, not a job for the faint of heart - or for the proud - your kids will embarrass  that right out of you... fast. That is a promise.

(Don't worry though I'm pretty sure you get to give that gift right back to them during their teenage years, I'm quite looking forward to that!)

So it seems to me we ought to resource each other when we stumble onto something good that works. When The Atlas and I did a toolbox course one of the gems, and there were many, I took away was 'Yes... when'.

It would seem that semantics are in fact important. So instead of sticking the record on 'are you kidding me? Heck no' we change the record to 'of course my darling, when...'

Let me example you up on this.

Child: Mum can we go to the park?

Usual Mama: no we are not going to the park, your room is a mess and I have asked you to tidy it 40 times (mama is not above exaggeration to make a point)

instead we try this -

Child: Mum can we go to the park?

Mama: My darling, I would love to go to the park. Let's do that as soon as you have finished tidying your room. Come and get me as soon as it's done and I'll bring the soccer ball.

Do you see - those subtle little semantics?

Maybe I jest a little with my language, ;o)? But I am serious about it as a strategy. Most of the time there is a way to say yes... when. Instead of no...because. That simple word shift actually makes you feel more positive and your little one feel more like they are going to get what they want.

Of course I can't promise it will induce no whinging. I still whinge when I have to clean my room so somethings are kind of set.

So next time you are faced with

Child: Mum can I dye my hair green and get a minecraft tattoo?

You can say

Mama: Of course you can my darling when you have left home and you are paying all your own bills. At that stage I can only disapprove from afar.

See - yes... when. Try it out, it just might work a charm if you are feeling a little stuck in the 'no because' pattern.

Of course I always call my children darling and I am never less than perfect, despite what my son wrote about me on his descriptive writing activity.

love you more than still being humbled by your children after nine years in the job xxx

I would also like to add I don't actually yell, even if Flip tells the world I do. When we disagreed about this I almost said/yelled, I can show you yelling kid. (But I didn't, because I am very mature.)

B.M.W.B - Draw By Dice

This year as well as reading more I am trying to engage more with art and buy the boys nicer things to do art with.

So, one afternoon before they got home I set up the table to look inviting, which means I wiped chiseled off the breakfast leftovers, put out supplies and snacks and made up a list.

As far as I know this is an original idea but really I'm not precious about that - I'm sure someone else has already thought of it and done it better than me.

I wrote 4 lists A,B,C, and D and numbered one to six under each list. The activity was to choose a list and then roll a dice to see what to draw. Whenever you got bored or ran out of inspiration you rolled the dice again.

I can't say we produced our best artwork but we had fun and it was so nice to come home to something special to do together.

Becoming the Mama I want to be is about taking time to enjoy the journey of parenting, to honour it's value and to hopefully inspire and encourage any mama. 

Simple. Achievable. Intentional: becoming the mama I want to be

love you more than rolling a six in the chocolate game xxx

B.M.W.B - Little Notes

Bounce loves writing me love notes.

He has extended from to.mam.bounce

to - to.mum.love.bounce

and some days I get 3 or 4 of those. So I have introduced a Mummy and Bounce letters book. He is very excited. So am I.

Flip saw the book and found one of his own and hid it in our bed. He loved that he initiated it and so do I. The idea is the book becomes a place to write each other notes and talk about things as they get older.

Inspired by other mamas. Pleased to be in correspondence with my beautiful sons.

Becoming the Mama I want to be is about taking time to enjoy the journey of parenting, to honour it's value and to hopefully inspire and encourage each other. 

Simple. Achievable. Intentional: becoming the mama I want to be

Button code on the right if you want it

Love you more than a new book xxx

B.M.W.B - Before Dawn

I don't think I've ever been a morning person. Not since I've been about 10 anyway. I find the mornings tricky - I am unpleasant and monosyllabic to say the least.

butterfly by Bounce

I get up to run with my friends only because they are there, and I promised I would. So when The Atlas went to Wellington to watch the All Whites play last week I had 4 mornings of flying solo. This is not to be taken lightly because usually The Atlas does all the up, breakfast, change and I wander in at the last.

So instead of being dragged from bed when the boys woke (usually they wake between 6 and 6.30) I set my alarm every day for 5.45am and rose before them. This way I got to shower and find my peace rather than chasing that for the morning as they raced on ahead.

It made a massive difference.

On Friday Bounce and I did puzzles together for about 20 minutes before we needed to leave for school. All jobs done, bags packed, lunches made - just time to relax together in the morning.

It wasn't easy but it was worth it. Something changes when you find peace before you face people and even though I really, really don't like getting up early my boys are worth a before dawn alarm.

Becoming the Mama I want to be is about taking time to enjoy the journey of parenting, to honour it's value and to hopefully inspire and encourage each other. 

Simple. Achievable. Intentional: becoming the mama I want to be

Button code on the right if you want it

Love you more than an uninterrupted sleep-in xxx

B.M.W.B - Making it Happen

Flip found a 'Kid's Baking Book' I had in my recipe book collection.

'Look Mama this one is really easy. We could do this.'

So I said yes and I set a date - tomorrow afternoon.

Sometimes, I find it so easy to say 'yes that looks good, let's do that some day' and some day never comes.

and I wonder if they will stop asking and suggesting one day?

and when it really is easy and fun maybe I just need to do it now or set a time for it tomorrow?

At this time of year there seem to be a million more balls to juggle and things on the calendar and urgent 'have-tos' but when you are 5 and 7 it's also an exciting time of year. There are end of year concerts to talk about, books to read, sports to play, hoses to run under..... and those things don't always happen at other times of the year.

This season I am particularly challenged to be actually present, not just physically present with the boys.

Eye contact, one thing at a time, less things, more laughing, more yes, more crazy plans.... those are the things I am aiming to 'make happen' in November and December.

I know presents and social engagements and tidying, baking, cleaning.... stuff... it all has to happen too but I am determined it will not be in the drivers seat.

How about you? Do you stay as engaged or are you like a beggar at a smorgasbord overladen with things/jobs/expectations like I am?

If you need a break - whip up some icy pops together. If you don't have the right gear a plastic cup and a teaspoon will do just as well - milk, flavoured milk, smoothies, cordial, juice, fizzy... any of those will be fine. (and if you are really desperate some coloured water might just cut the mustard too!)

Becoming the Mama I want to be is about taking time to enjoy the journey of parenting, to honour it's value and to hopefully inspire and encourage each other. 

Simple. Achievable. Intentional: becoming the mama I want to be

Button code on the right if you want it

Love you more than an iceblock under a tree on a hot day xxx

5 Years Ago Today...

we welcomed you... little bundle of energy. Fast and furious you came and we only just made it to the hospital but not quite to reception.

You are sweet and soft, and the way you always choose me and want me to snuggle you close makes me so happy. I know these days are limited and that in time you will be 'too big' for such things. So I treasure you my snuggly wee one and both grieve and celebrate your growing.

And that is what parenting is I guess - celebration and grieving. As the bond grows so grows the independence, the writing of your own story, and all this is as it should be.

We love you little fellow. We wanted you and you were given to us and we hope we will do justice to the high calling of parenting you.

You are clever and you are kind. You are capable and you are helpful. You are a beautiful person on your own and you are part of our team and of the great and beautiful family of humanity.

It is with sadness and joy I watch you today as you enter your classroom, filled with anticipation as I am filled with hopes for you - for kindness, understanding and friends mainly.

I love you and I will always love you and not just to today but every day I am grateful for the person you are in my life,

for your questions and answers for the way your favourite phrase at the moment is 'in any case' like "I hope I don't get wet, in any case skin is waterproof"

for all I have learnt and am learning in parenting you and for your wonderful companionship for the last five years

for the way you want to watch football with daddy in a sheep costume,

for your ongoing love of teddies and the fact there is no room on your bed but you still want to add to your collection, for the way you play with them, make up voices for them and share your world with them,

for the way you adore your brother

for you - plain and simple - the happy and grumpy, the generous and demanding, the quiet and the noisy, the sleeping and the exuberant, you - just as you are

Happy birthday wee man. You are our boy and we are proud of you, you will always, always, always have a place on our team xxxx

B.M.W.B - Photo Scavenger Hunt

The last day of the holidays stretched out ahead of us and we (the boys) couldn't agree on what they wanted to do from the limited, non-screen options I offered them. I was feeling a bit pants and I could see the day descending into a big let down.... then inspiration struck.

I wrote them both a list, got them separate clipboards and tied pens to them (Bounce was very impressed with that!). Then I took out my camera and informed them we were going on a photo treasure hunt.

Flip's list was only words and Bounce's had pictures to help him out. I deliberately tried to make the lists different so Bounce didn't just copy Flip. (My little one spends his entire time trying to choose the same as what the big one will choose and the big one wants to pick something different than the little one?!?)

They absolutely loved it and we stopped to play at the park together at the other end.

Bounce's Photos

They haven't stopped talking about it since, to the point we've ordered a cord for my old small digital camera and it is going to be their very own camera to share.

Flip's Photos

This was so easy to put together and it turned what could have been an in-your-face morning to a really pleasant time together. We all got fresh air and enjoyed showing the pictures to The Atlas later.

We'll be doing more of these for sure.

Becoming the Mama I want to be is about taking time to enjoy the journey of parenting, to honour it's value and to hopefully inspire and encourage each other. 

Simple. Achievable. Intentional: becoming the mama I want to be

Button code on the right if you want it

Love you more than a tree full of cherry blossoms xxx

B.M.W.B - Teddy Wash

Just because you are home from kindy with a horrible cough doesn't mean there is no fun to be had.

Bounce is the great teddy lover. He is constantly spending his pocket money at op-shops buying more teddies and soft toys. (I blame the mother!)

Some were a little, ahem, smelly, so when he asked to wash them I said of course.

Plastic tub, lux flakes, warm water, water proof apron, laundry floor, towel.

Swish, wash, swim, play then wring teddies out, and spin teddies in washing machine at conclusion.

One very happy little boy.

If you are stuck at home over the holidays and water play seems like too much effort take this easy-way out. Done on the laundry floor it's pretty safe for mess and spill factor and the bonus is you'll have pleasant smelling toys at the other end.

Becoming the Mama I want to be is about taking time to enjoy the journey of parenting, to honour it's value and to hopefully inspire and encourage each other. 

Simple. Achievable. Intentional: becoming the mama I want to be

Button code on the right if you want it

Love you more than a clean, fluffy bear. xxx

B.M.W.B - I Love Men

Every now and again I am struck with the weight of responsibility parenting brings with it. I have 2 boys and I am aware in NZ our culture is very feminised (I don't say this is a bad thing) - we have led the way on women's rights in many things. Growing up as a girl I knew I could do anything, if I wanted to!

So now I am raising 2 boys and I have realised there is a flip side to this culture of 'girls can do anything' - what is special about being a boy? .... this is one of those questions that I have thought about quite a bit. Boys have to be special and important too. They can do anything too but society doesn't let them do some things, at least not without sideway glances and whispered comments. Unfortunately in our kiwi sport-obsessed culture it's a 'norm' that boys are expected to be loud, sporty and drinkers..... and it's also normal to criticise men as being emotionally crippled, immature, unhelpful, clueless.....

If men said such critical things of women in public there would be fury and backlash - as there should be - but what of men?

What of these boys I am bringing up? Are they going to be subjected to the playground chat of mothers who bemoan their 'useless, like another kid...' husbands and partners? Will they be receiving these kind of messages subtly and not-so-subtly as they grow up?

Do we realise these boys we love so much are growing up to be the men they hear us describing? Hello???

This makes me super sad. I want my boys to feel validated in their gender. To hear the messages of Dads who work hard, love them, know how to have fun, are kind and strong and interesting, and men who are leaders, and servant-hearted and clever and heroes ..... and all the other things that are labels I want them to grow into.

From the outside,* I think the challenge for mothers raising girls is to model healthy strong self-love but I rarely feel concerned for girls growing up into labels of being immature, or incapable, or not being able to do something because it's too 'masculine'..... but I hear these words and judgments being used of men all-too-often.

So today B.M.W.B comes in the form of a letter to my boys:

Dear Boys, 
I am so glad God gave me boys. You are so precious to me. I think you are both clever and smart and kind and helpful and generous. And you know what? I hope you keep being all those things as you grow up. 

I know you can be wonderful men because Daddy is a wonderful man. He is kind and helpful, he makes us all laugh everyday, he knows how to say sorry and when to be strong and he works hard. On the days he doesn't want to be at work I think he thinks about how much he loves you and me and that's why he goes to work and that's why he comes home with a smile on his face. Dad was so excited to be having you both. He loves you just as much as I do, because daddies love children just as much as mummies. 

Boys are good at lots of things. Boys are funny and skilled and friendly. Boys have good ideas, they are creative and interesting and smart. As you go through your lives always remember the world is full of wonderful men - men that have set slaves free, made wonderful inventions, been terrific fathers and told really good bedtimes stories. The world is full of men who are really, really different to each other but all of them have something good to give the world. You can be one of these great men too.

Be strong, be proud of being a boy. I am proud of you and I am very excited for the men you will become. I hope you are a lot like daddy and a lot different too, because you are supposed to be different. You are unique.

Love your mama. xxxxx

Becoming the Mama I want to be is about taking time to enjoy the journey of parenting, to honour it's value and to hopefully inspire and encourage each other. 

Simple. Achievable. Intentional: becoming the mama I want to be

Button code on the right if you want it

Love you more than an easy answer to a tricky question xx

* I don't have girls so I know there are other complex issues for raising girls. Okay? I'm not reducing how special girls are (I am one too!) or saying their needs are less important. Mama of boys speaking here!

B.M.W.B - Popcorn and Champions

This week I bought a second hand popcorn maker and an awful plastic trophy.

The popcorn is about better choices, easy snacks, family nights and movies together. (We christened our popcorn maker by having a family night watching Shrek).

The trophy is for the family champion - it might be the UNO champion, the listening to mum first champion, the champion of anything... it adds some fun to Flip and The Atlas' putting champs in the hall or just some form of celebration for someone making progress.

It is truly ugly and the boys are delighted.

Parenting aye? It's pretty fun most of the time.

Hope you are having a beautiful week.

Becoming the Mama I want to be is about taking time to enjoy the journey of parenting, to honour it's value and to hopefully inspire and encourage each other. 

Simple. Achievable. Intentional: becoming the mama I want to be

Button code on the right if you want it

Love you more than an handful of fresh popcorn xxx

B.M.W.B - For Others

I like to have some ideas lined up for the holidays, not so many that we spend the time rushing about like we're still in school mode but enough to keep us a little bit busy and excited. It's also part of this whole B.M.W.B thing, to approach the holidays with anticipation rather than let them flatten us with unmet expectations and boredom/resentment.

I always remember in the pre-school years how none of the cool holiday activities were aimed at the under 5s but all our regular things stopped because of the holidays.

This holidays I wanted my boys to do something for some under 5s we love, but for it to be fun for them too.

So we/they run a cupcake decorating class for 3 little friends. I made a pin board of some simple ideas and we chose 4 of them to 'teach'. I forewarned the boys that we had to be prepared that they might not actually follow the directions.

They did a really great job and so did the little friends - who followed the designs very carefully - even though they just wanted to lick the icing off and be done with it! I had all the cupcakes pre-iced and all the bits prepared in bowls. Note: the oreos were a dog to work with and none of the owls worked because I pre-prepared the biscuits the night before they all fell apart on the day.

Still the others were lots of fun and I think the boys felt proud of themselves. I so want them to have that good feeling of helping another person have a good time.

Becoming the Mama I want to be is about taking time to enjoy the journey of parenting, to honour it's value and to hopefully inspire and encourage each other. 

Simple. Achievable. Intentional: becoming the mama I want to be

Button code on the right if you want it

love you more than half a packet of crumbled oreos (which I may have eaten!) xx

B.M.W.B - Thursdays

In 3 short, short months my little boy starts school

I'm already sad to wave these precious years goodbye

but I'm not giving them up without a grand enjoyment

Thursdays are our day

He sets the agenda

picks the activity

and I just tell him over and over how much I love our day together

this particular Thursday was at Orana Park (or Runna Park as he calls it)

excitingly there had been some flooding

and we went with a little friend

Him and I get a lot of time together but not all of it is wonderful, special, intentional time and so having Thursday set aside each week makes it extra special.

Becoming the Mama I want to be is about taking time to enjoy the journey of parenting, to honour it's value and to hopefully inspire and encourage each other. 

Simple. Achievable. Intentional: becoming the mama I want to be

Button code on the right if you want it