Friday, September 20, 2013

Five Reasons You Should Not Run - The Ugly Truth

Sometimes I hide things from you, not in a "I'm eating chocolate secretly in the pantry while my kids are having apple for afternoon tea" kind of way.

No I hide things I think are tedious, boring or really not likely to keep going (like I'm going to stop eating rubbish).

So.... in the interests of confession I have been running all through the winter. At 6am most weekdays meeting with other mamas, freezing our butts off, rolling our ankles, and philosophising about the world while we waddle run around the neighbourhood.

In the last 4 or 5 months, culminating in a public 10km run last weekend I have learnt some things I think you should know.

Let's get this straight though - I am not a runner. I stopped running after primary school when I stopped winning races. I haven't run since except for a bus or the last block of fair trade chocolate at the supermarket.
My prefered running position!

Here are my top 5 reasons you should not take up running:

1. Clothes - Running clothes are very unattractive. On the weekend there was entirely too much lycra for anyone - and some of those ladies were unaware they had run the modesty out of the fabric on their stretchy running pants, I'm talking to you blue floral knickers! Now I hear you telling me 'you are a sewist, why don't you make something nice to run in.' Yes I hear you. I have thought of it - but really? Something I am going to sweat in. Something I am going to wear doing something entirely un-fun... yeah who can be bothered with that? If you like clothes and like to be seen in public wearing pleasant things -sport is not for you. It really is not. Stop here.

2. Public Humiliation - If you take up running it is highly likely you will end up in a compromising position. Not with the cute guy in your running group (really? you want a cute guy to see you in those awful running clothes?). No - the position you are going to end up in involves very fast waddling into the nearest gas station to relieve yourself immediately, hoping and praying you will make it in time. Do you really want to share this kind of situation with others? Do you want to take the risk of filling your pants in close proximity to 400 other people? No - I thought not. You can thank me later for saving your personal image, even though I lost mine to find out.

3. Looks - Along side filling your trousers, lets be honest the runners in movies and on ads run for about 5 seconds with full make up and airbrushing - you won't be! You will look red, sweaty and your hard-to-style bangs will stick to your head or stick up in the air, or both. Your mouth will be dry and you will have very unattractive sweat patches in inappropriate places. While this may not matter at 6am in the pitch black with other mothers from school you will not feel the same when you are wobbling around in public. You might feel like an olympic runner but when you see the photos you'll realise you really don't look like one.

4. Jiggly Bits - If you are endowed with lovely curves and a womanly bust you can bet you'll be forking out money you would rather spend on a new pair of shoes finding some great invention of engineering to hold those things in place. It won't look nice, it will involve serious wrestling to get in and out of, it will cost lots of money and the only time you will appreciate it is the day it's dirty and you wear a normal bra and your bosoms knock you out, and possibly cause a car accident from a distracted driver.

5. Weight Loss - And after all this effort, humiliation, lycra and that's without mentioning the pain - you won't lose weight. Just so you know even when you run every morning, sometimes up a hill it does not cancel out eating peanut butter out of the jar while you make school lunches and hiding in the cupboard eating chocolate. Those jiggly bits don't even care about your running - they only disappear when you eat carrots and soup.... yeah... sucks huh?

So there you have it. Don't run. It's not fun - did I tell you that already?

This post is dedicated to the women who have seen me in all of the above 5 situations and still keep turning up at my gate at 6am - you ladies, well frankly, you're crazy but I like you anyway.

Love you more than the day it rains and we all get to sleep in xxx